My fellow anthology authors are spilling their guts today, figuratively of course, regarding two hellacious memories meals and bug bites from hell. Truly, both of Colin's stories will keep me awake deep into the night worrying about dead rats in fast food and spiders...well, just keep reading. *shiver* (and he swears he's telling the truth!)
A birthday meal at McDonalds when I was about nine. It was in a real shady part of town and a kid found a dead rat in his not-so-happy meal in place of a toy. One girl freaked out and barfed on my fries. To top it off, the guy dressed as Ronald seemed to have a breakdown and started screaming at the store manager. I could never eat McDonalds fries again after that.
The lunch I just ate. As an answer to this I wrote; ‘Once I bought a meal’ when I got distracted. I had a few more bites of this lasagna, looked back at my answer and for the life of me can’t remember what I was going to tell you about. This lasagna from hell has given me amnesia!
Aye carumba… ummmm… extremely (scarily) posh restaurant with relatives. They spent the entire time being HORRENDOUSLY rude to the staff, who were in fact impeccable. Was HUGELY embarrassing. They acted like children. Never felt like kicking a family member that wasn't me so hard in my life.
I am mortified when my kids (or anyone else I happen to be with) act like assholes in public, especially at a restaurant. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve escorted my kids out of a place for showing their asses. Meal from Hell = any time someone disrupts other customers’ ability to enjoy their meal. Happens way more than it should.
I’m a vegetarian and have been for years, but when a friend invites you over for lavish dishes and expensive wine, how can you tell her you don’t eat lamb and rabbit pâté makes you vomit? Answer: you eat only the vegetables, and lie.
Cantonese Lobster. Normally, I love seafood, but I went to a Polynesian restaurant and the decoration on my plate was the carcass of the lobster split in half like something out of a horror movie! Gross.
I pride myself on cooking and baking some pretty fine food. One year, at Christmas, my mother and I decided to make a gingerbread cheesecake a la Martha Stewart. It was a twenty-step process encompassing two days of intensive labor. The cheesecake was a gorgeous deep ginger color with cut out gingerbread cookies dancing across the top. I proudly presented it to my in-laws on Christmas day, and it sat and sat and sat and sat on their dining room table. No one would eat it. Why? Because in their eyes, bringing food to someone’s house was an insult. As if I was saying their food wasn’t good enough so I had to make my own. I’m fairly certain they threw the entire thing in the trash.
Bug Bite from Hell
I've never had a real bad one, but one year on our a annual caravan holiday my dad got bitten by a spider. We only found out towards the end of the holiday when he had to have a black boil on his neck lanced only to find a puss filled sack of dead baby spiders.
When I lived in New Orleans, we went out on the Bayou in Slidell once and I discovered another bug, besides mosquitoes, I’m allergic to: chiggers. They’re a type of grass mite that eat dead skin cells, only in me their bites caused a reaction. I discovered the spots within hours and within days I was in the emergency room. My legs were covered in 159 welts!
At camp. Was sat with my sister watching the racing (formula racing) and some gnat type thing landed on my arm and bit me. A few minutes later I started to feel woozy, then downright strange… after that I think I collapsed cos it goes blank. I remember waking up in bed feeling like hell. Hades alone knows what that thing was but it slayed me and the bite was heeeeuuuuggggeee.
Went to the pool when I was about ten, and a horsefly took a shine to me. I’d never seen one before. That bastard was huge. I was scared to death of bugs, so I didn’t know what to do. I thought if I ran, it would come after me, so I just stood there like an idiot. After it bit me three times, I jumped in the water. I’ve never been accused of having an overabundance of sense.
At nine, a wasp stung me and all I remember is the darkness enveloping me as I was dying. Highly allergic – who knew?
When I was a kid, something bit me behind my ear. Another ER story. I was vomiting, swelling, and we never were sure what it was that got me. I spent hours on observation, getting stuck with needles, prodded at, and at one point almost hospitalized because of a spreading reaction. The staff kept giving me ginger ale to drink. My dad and I poured a bit of that down the sink and after numerous failed attempts at venipuncture, Dad warned the doctor that if anyone stuck me one more time they were getting knocked out. That day, I think he meant it.
Itching in public is always embarrassing. Even if it’s an innocent itch like a bug bite and not herpes. This is especially mortifying when the bite is somewhere obvious like your BREAST. Yes, I had a mosquito bite on my boob, and that sucker itched all freaking time right where the edge of my bra cup rubbed against it. I itched at the post office, on my run, in front of the babysitter, and right in the middle of the Lord’s Prayer at church. So I’m a blasphemer on top of an itcher.
Check out the rest of the City of Hell crew’s Interview from Hell:
November 14: Colin Barnes – Ride from Hell; Boss/Coworker from Hell
November 15: Victoria Griesdoorn – Pet from Hell; Car from Hell
November 16: Ren Warom – Day from Hell; Illness from Hell
November 17: Kendall Grey – Vacation from Hell; Family Member from Hell
November 18: Anne Michaud – Kid from Hell; Friend from Hell
November 21: Belinda Frisch – Binge from Hell; Book from Hell
November 22: Amy Overley – Meal from Hell; Bug Bite from Hell